Proud Father
Hello, advice-seekers and advice-readers. Here in Seattle we're in the middle of Pride Week, culminating in the annual Pride Parade this Sunday. Running with that theme, I figured the following question would be apropos.
Bloggy,
I'm a single father with a 14-year-old son. We share a computer and a couple weeks ago I found some porn websites in our search history. I know this has pretty much become par for the course in parenting and the fact that it's porn isn't why I'm upset. What concerns me is that a lot of it had homosexual themes. I had no idea my son might be gay until now. If he is, I want him to know that I support him. Should I approach him about this? If yes, then how do I broach the topic?
-Concerned Dad
First off, kudos for being a progressive parent and not freaking out at the prospect of having a queer kid. But now it's time for some nitty-gritty.
Age 14 is a complete disaster, make no bones about that. 14-year-olds are insecurity wrapped in sensitivity and stuffed into an uncooperative body that changes daily. The last thing you want to do is say, "So, son, I stumbled upon your gay porn the other day. How's that working out for you?"
On that same note, your son needs to learn some netiquette. Porn is a fact of the Internet and few have never indulged in it, but it's only a common courtesy to clear the browser history on a shared computer. Let private things remain private.
But back to the main topic. I don't think you should jump to the conclusion that your son is gay just because he was looking at guy-on-guy porn. There is no such thing as a 14-year-old who understands his own sexuality. Hell, there are desperately few people in their 20's who don't confuse themselves with the topic. One of the specifics you didn't give me was just how much gay porn was in the browser history. If it was just one night's worth, your son may have just been curious. If he's straight, he may have confirmed that for himself when the stuff did nothing for him. Of course, if there are several night's worth it's a clearer indication of sustained interest.
Regardless of how much or how regularly your son peruses gay sites, there's no way he has a fully-formed sexual identity at his age. Could he be gay? Sure. He could also be bisexual (or at his age, simply bi-curious) or any number of others in an expanding list of designations. If you want an unlikely but very real hypothetical, he could even be asexual and just trying to find something that gets his motor running.
The important thing for you to understand as the parent of a (potentially) queer child is that outing someone is outing someone, no matter how you're related to the person. It's not your job to confront your son about his gender identity. If he is queer, he'll come out to you when he's ready.
Of course, there are ways to make your hip sensibilities about LGBT rights known without being so blunt. You're fortunate to be living in this era, CD. It seems like every month there's some new development in how our government treats queer people under the law. President Obama (johnny-come-lately that he is concerning LGBT rights) just signed a new law increasing benefits to same-sex partners of government officials, not to mention the growing number of states that are recognizing same-sex marriage. Assuming that you aren't an irrational hypocrite who's okay with a gay kid but not okay with gay marriage, you can always (subtly) voice your approval of these developments like the boring, politics-loving old dude that you are.
Should your son actually be queer and decide to come out to you while he's still living under your roof, remember that there are no special rules about being the parent of a non-hetero kid. The day we stop treating LGBT issues like they're any different from straight issues is the day we'll have finally accepted queerness into our society.
So, to recap, CD- Give your son time, remember that, queer or not, he's still a 14-year-old kid, and as long as he has a supportive environment he will come out to you when he's ready.
For more info on this topic, click over the official PLAG website.
