Bloggy,

I'm a 26-year-old man and I'm deeply in love with a 25-year-old woman. I'd like to ask her to marry me, but there's one thing that makes me hesitate. She and I grew up with very different religions. Her family was very strict and basically fundamentalist, while mine was pretty moderate. As a result, she has some strong negative feelings about religion and doesn't want it in her life. Normally this wouldn't be a problem, except that I know I'd like to have kids one day. I don't know if I would be comfortable raising my children in a home without faith. Am I right to have second thoughts about marrying this otherwise wonderful woman, or am I making a big deal out of nothing?

-Unholy Mess

First of all, UM, I want to thank you for actually including your and your partner's ages. I can't tell you how many questions I've had to deal with (or outright skip) because that highly relevant piece of information was missing. With that out of the way, here's my answer:

The problem you're facing with your potential fiancee is as old as religion itself. How does a couple deal with differences of faith? Well, in your case the problem might actually be easier than trying to handle a situation in which both partners are devoted to their faiths. First we're going to get a macro-perspective, then we'll zoom in for a closer, more immediate examination of your circumstances.

Let's say you do end up marrying your partner and you have kids together one day. You'll learn what everyone who has ever successfully procreated has learned. Namely, that you can't actually make your children believe in something. Sure, you can manage a few years of indoctrination in that period of time when your children would believe anything you tell them, but they'll eventually grow up and form their own opinions. The most you can do in regard to religion is to put the option in front of your child.

That said, you would need to make sure you and your wife are on the same team about whatever your child's decision ends up being. If your (hypothetical) wife is faced with a child who chooses religion, she's going to have to respect that decision, as will you if your child comes to the conclusion that dad's faith is lame and wants nothing to do with it. The last thing you want to do is force your child to choose between parents, even implicitly.

Coming back to the present, a lot of trouble can be averted if you simply talk to your partner about all of this. If you're ready to marry this woman, you should be more than willing to talk with her about anything and everything. I know the big, romantic thing is to surprise her with a proposal, but real adults know how important it is to discuss huge life decisions before they make them. If you haven't already broached the topic of marriage with your partner, now is the time to do so. You say you want to have kids, so find out if she does, too. Before you get to the minutia of religion and child-rearing, find out if she even digs the whole "matrimony" thing. If/when your discussion comes to subject of religion in the home, remember that it's not your job to give an ultimatum, but to express your hopes and expectations.

The most important thing to remember in any long-term relationship is that it is, first and foremost, a partnership. You need to be on the same side, even if that means compromising. You can't have love without respect, so do the respectful thing and be straight-up with your partner. If she loves you, she'll respect you enough to be honest in kind.