A Guide To Sainthood

Bloggy,

A friend of mine is in pretty dire straits. Her relationship with her husband has been shaky for years now and she told me recently that she wants to leave him. She doesn't work because she has to take care of her son full-time (he's 2). So, she doesn't really have anywhere to go if she does leave. I was wondering if I should offer to let her and her son stay with me while she tries to get on her feet. I live alone and while my place isn't a palace, there should be room enough for all of us. Is this crazy, or do I have a responsibility as a friend?

-CJ

When I was at a pivotal age, someone gave me some very good advice. He told me, "Be a mensch, just not too much of a mensch". So, I'm passing that phrase along to you.

"Mensch" is an old Yiddish term that comes from the German word for "person". In the Yiddish, it means somebody who selflessly goes above and beyond common courtesy for the sakes of the others. In more colloquial terms, a real saint. It's good that you want to do something so mensch-like for your friend, but I'm going to advise you to step back a little (with a caveat).

First of all, this would be an entirely different story if your friend didn't have a child. It's one thing to take in an adult who needs some transition, it's another thing to get involved in the high drama of a family. Your friend's son, if the divorce happens, is going to be confused enough without having to deal with a change of scenery and an entirely new adult around. Like it or not, having a small child in your home makes you responsible for him, whether your his parent or not.

Another thing to consider is that your friend only said she wanted to leave her husband. People say a lot of things when they're upset. Don't assume your friend was doing anything but venting, or at least don't push her one way or the other concerning a major life decision. It's not your job as a friend to open or close avenues for her. If she really wants to leave, she'll find a way on her own.

What you should do is be what all good friends are supposed to be: a reliable, understanding individual who knows his or her limits. If your friend actually goes through with the divorce, offer a genuine but vague "If you need anything, just call" and leave it at that. If she needs something that she thinks is appropriate to ask of you, she'll ask. More likely than not, what she'll ask from you is to be an ear for a sad period in her life or a means of distraction from that sadness. So, listen to her vent, take her out for a stupid movie and assure her that everything's going to be alright.

Now, for the caveat: Because there is no proper definition of a "shaky relationship" I don't really know how bad things are with your friend and her husband. If the two of them just don't connect anymore or if he's just a lazy, immature slob, or any other relatively mundane reason for a break-up, the above advice stands. If, however, her husband is abusive, that's a game-changer. In that case, you still shouldn't shoulder all the responsibility, but you probably should offer your friend and her son a safe place to stay, along with a plan to contact the police and some kind of domestic abuse aid resource like the National Domestic Violence Hotline.