Coping With Suicide

My name is Brenden and yesterday a friend of mine decided to commit suicide. He was only 24 years old. The reason I'm writing to you today is because I'm trying to make sense of it. I've never experienced anything like this before and I just don't know how to react. Is it my job to call his friends? What do I do at the funeral? What should I say to his folks when I see them? This is all so messed up and confusing. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

First of all, I'm sorry for your loss, Brenden. It's always difficult to lose a friend, but it's especially hard when the loss is from something as incomprehensible as suicide. Having had this experience myself a few years ago, I'll do my best to answer your questions and hopefully help you approach this situation with as much grace as possible.

You're right to say that this issue is messed up and confusing. Suicide, more often than not, is incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to understand. You're currently experiencing some very strange emotions and I'm sorry to say that you aren't quite through the rest of it yet. It will likely be a long time before you're finally at peace with how your friend left this world. Maybe in a month or maybe in several years you'll come to unravel whatever combination of shock, sadness, anger and confusion you feel toward your friend and what he did. Then again, you may never entirely accept it.

This is the true nature of loss. We want to believe that we can somehow overcome it entirely, that when we see people who have gone through it and have come out the other side healthy and functional it's an indication that they've gotten over their loss completely. The truth is that just like death itself, bereavement is permanent. It won't always be as sharp as it is in the beginning, but it will always be a part of your memories. To be healthy and functioning isn't to be free from sadness, merely to be capable of acknowledging sadness and keeping it from hindering your ability to be happy.

As for your immediate responsibilities, think of yourself as being one of several people who are in the middle of this situation, not as someone standing at the front. You don't have jobs to do, but you do have the ability to show support. Call your mutual friends and inform them of your friend's death if they haven't already heard. It's ok to be frank about it. No amount of euphemism will soften what happened. What's more important is that you behave like a good friend and make sure your friends are aware that you're there as a support structure should they need it. Offering yourself will prompt others to do the same.

When you interact with your friend's parents, it's important to give them space. Tell them you're sorry for their loss and offer to help them in some way, but only if you're actually prepared to do so. As for the funeral itself, you can't know now exactly how you'll feel at the time, but it's important that you let yourself feel it. At some point your true emotions will emerge, even if it's a long time from now. Putting up defense mechanisms and other road blocks are only a stall. Be respectful of everyone else in attendance. Most of all, don't get so wrapped up in decorum that you forget to grieve. It's why we have funerals. No one will think less of you for it.

It's common to feel like you could have saved your friend despite whatever reason he decided to take his own life. The answer to this concern in the overwhelming majority of cases is that there's nothing you really could have done. It's not your job to read the minds of those you love or stand guard over the well-being of grown people. For those who feel like they have a friend who is at risk, there are a number of resources available. Check out the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline and SAVE, the Suicide Awareness Voices of Education for information, counseling and helpful reading lists.