Dear Bloggy,

My college roommate is stressing me out. I thought I could endure staying with her until the end of freshman year, but now that we’re back from holiday break, I don’t see how I can stay until the end of this month!  We are not connecting at all. She plays music when I’m studying. She doesn’t like my friends to come over. She freaks out if I use anything of hers.

 She wants to keep everything separate in our room. For example, I bought a floor rug, then she bought her own rug.  I have a loft, and she found a way to squeeze another loft in here. We have two of everything and never share. We’re not friends, we’re not family and I’m tired of living with a hostile, detached stranger who doesn’t even say “hi” to me when she walks in from classes. I was close to my brothers and sisters at home, but it’s clear I’m going to be on my own here.

P.S. She is from another race, so maybe that has something to do with it.

Signed,

Need My Own Room.

Dear Need My Own Room,

Going away to college is a huge rite of passage, filled with the frustration of leaving home, missing family and, as you stated, learning to live with another person often not of your choosing.  The problem you’re facing is quite typical.

As a former resident assistant (R.A.), I’d advise you to seek out an R.A .who can stage an intervention.  You’re not a bad person and neither is your roommate; you’re just different. Differences lead to clashes, naturally. In addition to cultural differences that might express themselves in behavior, values, etiquette, musical tastes and schedules, the two of you likely have opposing personality types.

To create harmony, perhaps your R.A. can have each of you list your top five desires for changes in the living situation. Then, draw up and sign a contract that explains how each of you will attempt to alter behavior to make the other feel more at ease. I'd also urge you and your roommate to plan an outing together; force yourself to find something in common. You might be surprised and find out you like each other if you socialize beyond the four walls of your dorm room.

You and your roommate would be well served by taking theJung and Briggs Myers personality test together. This scientific personality profile can help you grasp in detail what traits may be behind your friction.

After three weeks, if nothing changes, for the sake of your own happiness, you might consider applying for a single room (which will be more expensive) or renting an off-campus place with friends.

Continuing to live in distress may affect your grades and ruin your memories of college; seek help from dorm staff immediately.