Bloggy, I know this is the most stereotypical complaint, but what ever happened to the nice guys? Where are they hiding? Every year there seem to just be more jerks who are just trying to get some action and are totally insensitive. Why is it so difficult to find the right kind of guy? I'm talking about the ones that still hold the door open, who will be a shoulder to cry on and are happy to just be there for us when we need them? There's got to be at least one truly nice guy left. -Stacy

This question has existed since the dawn of time and the answer has been the same since five minutes after the dawn of time. What you're describing, Stacy, isn't a nice guy. Rather, the thing you and many other women want is what the rest of the world refers to as a "doormat". This is the guy who will essentially serve all of the functions of a long-term boyfriend who is not actually receiving any of the benefits of being a boyfriend. And I'm not just talking about sex, either.

It's the 21st century. Regardless of gender, no one should be expected to forgo their own desires just to fit into someone else's list of human utilities. I'm not sure if it's a deep-seated cultural association between niceness and effeminacy, or if it's a product of old puritanism, but it's a myth and a shame that people believe that a man's sexual needs automatically remove him from the "nice" category. It's just as absurd as saying the exact same thing about a woman. But beyond the issue of sex, there should be a reasonable expectation of reciprocity in any relationship, romantic or otherwise.

All the things you described in your list of "nice guy" qualifications are really just behaviors of deference. What you should ask yourself is, exactly what would you do in a relationship to earn that deference? What is the cultural female equivalent to holding doors open or being a shoulder to cry on? Moreover, why are we still reinforcing these gender biases? My advice to all the women out there who want to find a nice guy? Ladies, start sleeping with nice guys and stop sleeping with jerks. Any man worth his salt will remain kind, tender and considerate even after he's "gotten some action".

The nice guys aren't hiding, Stacy, they're just tired of getting pushed aside for the jerks. Wanting to be treated like more than just a purse rack with infinite patience doesn't make a guy a jerk, it just makes him self-respecting. Consider this, if you will: That guy you know who's just so nice but for some reason isn't as attractive as that gorgeous jerk who can't even remember your name? Give him a shot instead. Considerate, sensitive people not only make excellent partners, they're also better in bed than slick narcissists. Good communication is a general skill that manifests in both verbal and non-verbal ways. A guy who's a good listener when you're crying on his shoulder doesn't stop being a good listener when you're embracing him for more stimulating reasons.

So, unless you're looking for a gay friend (and there's nothing wrong with that, either), try to override that prehistoric part of your brain that makes you go ga-ga over the confident, strapping meat-heads. That'll put you on the same level as all the guys who have decided not to chase childish bimbos with giant boobs.